Lara Kimmerer | photographer

What matters is the journey

It is good to have an end

to journey towards;

but it is the journey that matters,

in the end.

- Ursula K. LeGuin

 

I've been giving myself a lot of goals lately - destinations with an arrival date. Having those before me have helped me to stay on the path I want to travel along. Peter & I have something that we've been talking about doing for years now - that we will actually, finally, for real begin by the end of next month (that's the goal we've been working towards anyway). There are a few things for this lovely photography business I've created that will be happening this year too. Kind of like a new coat of paint - and some updates. These will all take quite a bit of energy and inner searching to really focus on myself - and on the life Peter and I want to live - and about how we want to get there. Sometimes (just sometimes) I want it all to be finished.

I want to currently be *living* the life I want for myself - and the life we want together. I want my career to be at the point I've been working towards. I want the complications to be miraculously uncomplicated. I want (at least) a whole week where everything is easy - and settled - and peaceful.

But the true me - the person I am when I'm not achy and tired LOVES the journey. I'm so grateful for everything that has happened to me - the wonderful and the devastating - all of it. I'm proud of the person I have become and it's all because of the circumstances I've had to face. So, in the end, it is the journey that will matter most.

The goals are there and I'm heading towards them, however I am open to taking a stroll down back roads to see what may lie around the corner. In my experience, those are usually the most rewarding anyway.

Valentine's 2012

This morning I was doing my normal routine of pressing snooze on the alarm when Peter said, "are we going to make it to breakfast?" And that's when I popped out of bed to get ready. Ever notice how easy it is to wake up when your day has something fun in store - especially something early on in the day?

Six years ago Peter & I started a new tradition. Instead of dealing with crowds for dinner - we go to breakfast on Valentine's Day. So far we've gone to the same place every year - Zaftigs in Coolidge Corner. We almost changed it up this year, but I needed my banana stuffed french toast fix...and coffee.

What are some of your Valentine's Day traditions?

A dream-sleepy day

It was the combination of a few things that led me to it. My unconscious brain was trying to work through all of them and it gave me the dream I had last night. You know how dreams go…they make sense and don't make sense at the same time. Earlier in the dream we were looking at houses to buy on Lake Hopatcong, where I grew up. My mom and dad were there looking with us…but that was what got me…my mom was there. I didn't think anything of it at this point. It was later - right around the time I was supposed to be waking up, where my slightly conscious self started to catch up with the sleeping me. As it turns out my alarm didn't go off - I don't remember not setting it, but if I had I wouldn't have had this part of the dream at all.

In my sleepiness I was walking along a road singing a song. I believe it was a song from the musical South Pacific, which was a favorite of mine and my mom's. I thought to myself that the song reminded me of her and decided to call her when I got home…from the walk I was taking. As dreams tend to go - especially when you're just beginning to wake up from them - I knew that she was going to die soon, which was the reason I wanted to call her…just to tell her I was thinking about her while I still had the opportunity to do it. As soon as I thought those words - I remembered. But I was remembering in my sleep. I began to cry, but dream crying…no real tears. And this is how I woke up this morning. The dream tears turned into real tears - and I haven't really woken up today I think. My whole body is achy and sad.

These thoughts and feelings kind of snuck up on me. February has been my depression month (or my "dark month" ala "Luke's dark day"...Gilmore Girls anyone?) for the last 6 years. Last year when it was coming up on 5 years without my mom I had a very difficult time. I would get my work done and then immediately curl up on the couch with a cup of tea and watch tv…anything to distract from how I was feeling. Planning for a wedding without her last year, I think, made it that much harder, but…like the four years before, I got through it, the spring came, and the clouds lifted.

So far, this year hasn't been bad at all. I have a lot of things going on - lots of plans in the works for life and business. I was feeling like it might not hit me much this February. And then, there was this morning.

Besides it being February there are two other things that culminated in my dream, I belive.

Yesterday I finished a project I've been working on since October. I finally hung a bunch of frames with photographs from our wedding and the weddings of our parents' and grandparents'. I'm quite proud of how it turned out. There are many photos of my mom in our home, but now there is a new one, which brings her into my life in a new way.

And recently I've begun to digitize home videos. The ones I'm doing now are from about about 11 years ago. She's popped into view just for the briefest of moments. I noticed that when I got up from my desk the other day - after seeing her for just a moment - my body began to shake. Subconsciously (and consciously) having her existing in my present really got to the core of me. 

My mom and I LOVED to dance. One of the best memories I have is from about a year before she died. We went out to dinner at a restaurant on the lake. As we finished a band began to set up. My dad wanted to go home, which was understandable, but my mom and I decided to stay. We danced until the band packed up. We left sweaty and smiling…and oh how I wish I could do that right this moment.

This is a quick clip of me and my mom dancing. Now, we're dressed up for a Sock Hop, so ignore the clothing. This is one of my favorite bits of film ever. She's trying to teach me some step…I'm not very good, but whatever. And, my brother makes a small appearance too! She starts off by saying, "I'm on it enough"….a point I'd like to argue with her now because I strongly disagree.

 

Monday Morning Music | Waking Up

Good Morning - on this lovely Monday morning! My achy body didn't want me to get out of bed this morning. Yesterday I ran the Super Sunday 5. A couple of years ago I ran this with Graham and it was a 5k - with a 10K option if you wanted to run the course twice. The run took place down by the water and the already below freezing temperatures plummeted to negative degrees with the wind chill.  I couldn't believe my brother talked me into doing that run with him. When it was over I felt ill, but accomplished.

Over the last couple of years I've become more of a runner, but I haven't been running recently at all really. I did a 5k in Harvard Square in December with Graham and ran the entire time - something I hadn't done before. I'd always come close, but would break down and walk for a minute or two. So, it felt great knowing I kept going the whole time.

When I signed up for the Super Sunday 5 - I figured I would take the 5k bailout (a bus back to the start where free food and beer were waiting), but when I got to that point and saw the bus I decided I could do it! I continued to run the next 2 miles - and yesterday, for the first time ever, I ran 5 miles without stopping. This may seem easy to some, but for those of you who find 1 mile difficult - I can tell you that I've been there and it's quite wonderful what your body and brain can do when you decide to push them...just a little bit at a time. I feel even more accomplished this time and I look forward to seeing where this running thing will go. My best friend Jen and I are already talking about a half marathon next February in SC.

Anyway...this post was going to be about how I recently bought an iPod alarm clock. I used to wake up to my phone alarm, which lent itself to me immediately checking my email and social media...a horrible way to wake up! Instead, I wanted to focus on me and truly 'waking' up to the day. The solution was an iPod alarm clock. I get to wake up to great music and move along with my morning without distractions.

The last few mornings I've been waking up to the Acid House Kings. They're from Sweden and they make me feel so light and happy - something needed in the mornings, I think.

 

Acid House Kings | Do What You Wanna Do

 

 

Wishing you a great Monday!

 

North End of Boston | Wear It Again

Around this time last year Juliet & I met at a coffee shop in Coolidge Corner. We were meeting up to discuss me possbily photographing her wedding in October. Three hours went by and we didn't even notice. We had a great deal in common - and I loved hearing all the little stories that led up to her and Ben's engagement. Sadly, I had a family committment that kept me from photographing their wedding. I made sure they found a fantastic photographer - which they did in Matt Grazier from Grazier Photography - and then we both went about our year planning our respective weddings.

A couple of weeks after their wedding Juliet wrote to me - wondering if I'd be interested in doing a shoot with her and Ben in their wedding garb. Of course they had fantastic photographs from their wedding day, but she really wanted to wear her dress again and have some more photo taking fun! This was my first time photographing a bride & groom in their attire separate from their wedding day - and so the Wear It Again session was created. The three of us had a fantastic time walking around the North End on an unseasonably warm December day - searching out the pretty light and interesting backdrops.

Juliet & Ben - thank you for a lovely afternoon. Hopefully you can come up with at least one more excuse to put your dress on!

 

The lack of pressure to get back to a wedding reception was lovely! Any recent couples out there who would like to get dressed up again - let me know! Even if it's been years since your wedding - let's do it!